Wednesday, July 6
i've been watching your world from afar.. i've been trying to be where you are.. and i've been secretly falling apart.. i'll see...
lit sucked. brain died. i am furious with myself. truly, truly furious. but not enough for self-mutilation. that can come later. chinese - first time i wrote a love story in chinese! hahaha it was very simple though. went something like.. there was this guy who was very nice and kind to everyone, especially old ladies. although he was poor, he always gave everyone beautiful birthday presents. one day [of course i used yi ge feng he ri li de zao shang! i couldn't find it in the dictionary, so i hope i wrote it correctly :P] i was at the market when an old lady started shouting. i ran after the thief. he slipped on a fruit skin [forgot what was banana in chinese] and i caught up with him. whereupon i became speechless, because it was that guy! [obviously] and [thanks candy for this tip] i felt a few drops of rain fall slowly on me [what's shoulder in chinese?], like the tears i could not shed. heh heh. and he took a step forward, touched my hand gently with his, and told me not to cry. heh heh. then he told me his whole sob story about how he started stealing to get money to buy presents for this smart and pretty girl whom he liked. then the cops came and as i watched him get into the police car, i thought, so this is the person he really is. [or smth like that] and my second last sentence was, ta jiu shi wo [she was me] heh heh heh heh heh. can you believe i took 1hr and 15 mins to write that?? i was checking the damned dictionary for every other word. tadah! my first chinese love story! heh heh heh. since when did i degrade to publicising my very bad chinese storylines online? heh.
pissed off at hwachong. i'm bloody tired, i haven't done my gp holiday hwk [missing, suspected lost], i
have lost my chinese hwk and they are both due tmr. =( andddd.. drum roll please.. there's no day off. nope. zilch. no marking days. they hate us lit / ao chinese girls! the pcme people *cought*janet*cough* finished on friday and have been enjoying themselves thoroughly, but i don't have time to do my hwk! argh! or rest properly! double argh! all right so my exam timetable was slack enough to allow me to start studying for every single paper except econs the day beforehand.. but hey, where're our marking days? i told my mother school is a waste of time. i didn't tell her it's because i sleep in lectures and daydream in tutorials, copy my homework and don't give a damn about more than half my class. unfortunately, mission Skip School The Day After Blocks had to be abandoned thanks to gce 'ao' level chinese orals. i'd love to say, to hell with it, but according to my mother [unreliable source, civil servant] nus is a pretty good school [if mr big shot lee says so, why don't his kids study here? oops this blog
is locked right? otherwise, read tmr's headlines: hwachong student defames prime minister on online blog! what the hell.] and in order to get into nus, i need to pass chinese. ah well.
howhowhow did my gp homework disappear?? i have spent the last half hour very productively thinking about how best to utilise my time tomorrow. chinese lesson: rush chinese homework, appear very innocent and remorseful, ask for oral tips. if he says smile more, i will cry. lit: pay more attention in lit since i've screwed lit for blocks. econs: heh heh heh time to start paying attention in econs! break: grumble about the weather and reminiscise about how it's always boiling and blowing hot air in st. marg's to no one n particular. lit lecture: watch jane eyre? i hope! hee hee young jane is so hot with her cropped hair! i am
not being paedophilic, you twit. it's called appreciation of beauty. go sniff glue. math: see who's the new math teacher heh heh attempt to pay attention. normally attention span wanes by then. wait,
what attention span? gp: try to talk less. oh wait. my whole plan will be screwed up if they return papers! oh no! i'll be depressed and moody and crabby. be warned. avoid me if papers are returned. ooh. i do hope i don't get too stressed out trying to do two things simultaneously tomorrow. oh dear. i haven't lit a fire in donkey years, and it's been about the same amount of time since i've tied proper knots. oh dearrr.
my sister got 4 a's for blocks. the only reason she didn't get 2 distinctions for her 's' papers is because there were not exams for them. she got 80smth for math and bio. didn't hear about the rest. you know, it was easier to cope with her being a genius when i was in st. marg's. cos back then, i could say, ohhh you know, rgs gepper / rj freak.. no biggie, they're all smart freaks there. heh heh. well now i'm in one of those freakily smart/inthiscasenerdy schools so i can't pull the ohh you know it's normal there things anymore! darn. i told this to her just now and looked properly sad so she offered me some 85% coccoa dark chocolate. it is very bitter. she's going to london and be incredibly successful there too. so maybe it's time i got my act together.
identity theft! i feel like my identity is being stolen. ask me no questions and i will tell you no lies. don't bother guessing either, you'll be barking up the wrong tree. what defines you as a person? i've been thinking about that. how i can feel like my identity is being stolen, when it shouldn't be.. should it? like.. let's say i'm this girl who likes to draw. and well, i've got my own distinctive style and i'm fine with that even though my drawings aren't that great. let's say someone begins to draw like me.. in almost exactly the same way.. now i can't blame her, can i? millions of people in the world, what are the chances that you alone are unique? well so not only does she draw uncannily alike.. i start to think she's better at it than me. so i lay my pencil down and call it quits. that just makes me a quitter huh. the truth is.. i'm a proud pieceofshit. i know that. i'm trying to work on the proud bit. but it's still there, it's somehow a fundamental part of me. so. any game that i play.. if it's a game that i especially like.. i'd rather not play than to play second fiddle. yes i've accepted that i'll always play second fiddle to another in terms of academics, whatever. but in the area of interest, i can prevent that. i can stop playing. right?
someone [ i can't remember who] said, it's all a game to you, isn't it? love's a game. romance is a game. i overuse that word huh. has it ever occured to you.. the more i attempt to casualise something.. the more it actually means to me? love's a game, in some way. i dare, dare you to love me. sometimes i feel like i'm daring myself to love you. it takes guts to love you know. it really does. makes you vulnerable. makes you look stupid sometimes. and then there's that game we proud ones play. the one where we try to keep the ball in our court. does this sound familiar? 'i don't want to be the first to call / msg / say hi' it does? well you're just trying to keep the ball in your court, aren't you? keep your pride. yes, that hateful word. don't want to be the dependant one, the one who loves more, needs more. yes. we are all proud.
what was the point of saying all that? nothing, actually.
i made a promise to myself once that i'll never say anything i don't mean. it gets harder to keep as years go by, because i forget what i say [honestly. like all those vows? well tell me about them a day after i've made them, and i'll go, eh?? since when?? yeah. goldfish memory] and sometimes i just change my mind. or heart.
but this is something i mean to keep. and it's pretty easy to remember. i'll never say ' i love you' if i don't mean it. because if love can end, then it never really began. maybe we aren't talking now. maybe we'll stop talking soon. hell, maybe we've already stopped. but it doesn't mean i don't love you anymore, or will stop or have stopped. it just means that life's a river and it keeps on flowing, and sometimes we float /swim [depending on personality] down different streams. [is my geog all wrong? whatever you get the idea]. but it doesn't mean that love stops because forever is simply as long as the heart lets it be. and i guess my heart's less forgetful than my brain.
it must've been love.
10:00 pm
xoxo
